Oddly quiet in there…

I figured by day 5 of stims I would be feeling something in my belly, but it’s really been very quiet in there until tonight. I was definitely enjoying the break from the Lupron headaches too. Work has been crazy with kids headed back to school, then I enjoyed a beautiful weekend filled with brunches with girlfriends, a concert with the hubby, and SUP yoga – just twice a day I’d work some time in to shoot myself up with meds. No biggie.

I was enjoying an odd lull at work today around 3pm – seemed like some patients weren’t showing, then all of a sudden 7 patients check in within 30 minutes of each other, and by the time I’ve had a chance to finish seeing all of them, I look at the clock and it’s 5:15. CRAP. I need to get some Menopur into me, and drive 15 minutes away to a 5:30 yoga class. Managed to get there 10 minutes late, but the teacher was totally cool. She explained that we were focusing a lot on back strengthening. This sounded like a good idea to me since it’s one of my weak spots, but after class I realized my lower abdomen was feeling a little full. Planning on mostly gentle/restorative yoga from this point on.

Let’s hope this translates to some good action on the ultrasound tomorrow! And hopefully a somewhat firm date for egg retrieval since hubby and I have some crazy work schedule juggling to accomplish next week.

Removing obstacles

I meant to go to a relaxation yoga class immediately after work today at a nearby facility, but realized I’d forgotten my workout clothes at home. I ended up going to my nearby gym and took a kundalini yoga class. My prior experience with kundalini was not very positive – the chanting, I could deal with, but having to hold my arms up at shoulder level for meditation for 5 minutes did nothing for me and instead just made me aggravated. This particular class, with a different instructor, went much better. At the beginning of class, she explained that today’s theme would be relieving blocks to our body’s energy, to become open to and accepting of new things and new relationships, even if we felt like where we are at this moment is the best that life can be. Yes, there was chanting and holding the arms up for meditation (but just 2 minutes – doable!), but I really tried to soak in the words she read to us as we were working through poses.

Part of me has wondered if lingering doubts have contributed to my trouble conceiving. It is in my nature to worry. I worry about how I will juggle motherhood with the demands of my often stressful full-time job. I worry about how we will manage child care. I worry about how our elderly pets will react to a child in the home. I worry about the childhood diseases I see and treat. I worry about turning into my mom…

And I know that I will never stop worrying, but that I cannot let those worries block my path to motherhood one day.

11dpo and thinking about the next cycle

I’m already thinking about the next cycle because though technically my temperature is still up, it appears to have started a downward trend today. I’ve already told my aerial teachers I’m taking a break next session, with my only exercise to be yoga, both at home with the Restoring Fertilty DVD and at my local gym, where I’ve been wasting my membership dues the past couple months. It’s the last cycle we plan to try without medications, and I want to give relative rest a full cycle’s chance before I start Clomid. I’m already getting anxious thinking about losing my strength and going crazy without aerial for a month, but I figure this is a good chance to work on my flexibility, which is one of my weaknesses.

Patience

People always comment that I must have a lot of patience to be able to do my job. I suppose I’m fairly patient, but my husband also knows my impatient side. I’m the type A that wants to do everything on a schedule, so I’m the default planner for any project or event I take part in. He complained on our honeymoon that I scheduled too much to do, with not enough down-time. So of course Friday night I had difficulty falling asleep, because I was supposed to test the next morning. Which never happened, since my temperature dropped when I checked upon waking up yesterday.

I had a great yoga class that morning. The teacher had a very calming presence, and we held poses for much longer than I’m used to. I had to really slow down and focus on my breathing to stabilize my body. Finally, during shavasana, I tried to clear my mind as I fought back tears. Next thing I knew, I felt my teacher press a towel over my eyes and push my shoulders down, quietly but firmly advising me to “let go”. So I did… if only for that moment. I wish it was that easy outside of yoga class.

My intention for this month is to eat cleanly and take care of myself as best as I can. And just come to terms that this will happen at the right time.