I think I have a potential mom stalker…

Almost a year ago, I mentioned the annoying patient’s mom who constantly bugged me about whether I was pregnant. I hadn’t seen the family since that time until yesterday, and you can imagine her reaction when she saw how visibly pregnant I am. She then proceeded to touch my belly as she asked my permission (in other words – ignore the horrified look on my face), bombard me with questions about my nursery and registry, and generally behave inappropriately as I was trying to examine and care for her child who was in mild respiratory distress. THEN she asked if she could come and visit us after the baby was born! As I hesitated, she quickly said “Oh, I don’t mean at your house. I mean at the hospital. Just call me! You have my number on there! [referring to the medical record]” Um, are you serious, lady?? I think I’m going to have to put her name on the “DO NOT ALLOW TO VISIT” list with the L&D unit!

Negativity sneaking in. UGH!

This is the first day this cycle where I’ve let the negativity creep in. I don’t know if it was the crazy number of newborn visits I had, and seeing the tired but happy faces of new mom’s, alternating with all the other mom’s being in their 3rd trimester. One of those mom’s is actually a friend of ours, and we’ve talked with them about our difficulties because at one point, they went to an RE also when they’d been struggling to conceive their second child for over 6 months. Her FSH was high. Of course, at their first RE visit, they had her pee in a cup, and lo and behold, the pregnancy test came back positive! Oh – they never told us this, I only found out from our mutual friend when it was pretty apparent she was pregnant at a wedding we attended. 😦 She and her husband were both at the visit today, and though we talked at length about when she was due and how they were doing, and they KNOW we’re in the middle of an IVF cycle because I had them change the appointment day when I knew I’d likely be out for egg retrieval, they didn’t say a word or ask anything about how I was doing. They are really good friends of ours, and it bothered me that they just avoided the topic. I know it’s uncomfortable, but damn it, they were on the brink of it themselves!

Then I found out a colleague is pregnant and due in February, from a cutesy Facebook photo of course. She just got married a year ago. It’s so ridiculous, I thought I was past all these stupid feelings, but on top of everything else today, and the really aggravating irritation from the vaginal progesterone – ARRRRGGGHHHHH!! The RE says he’ll switch me from this formulation to Endometrin to see if I tolerate it better, but there’s no point in ordering it now until I see what that beta looks like.

Wiped

I feel like I’ve been coasting at work this summer, up until yesterday. It was a bad start to the day when my water bottle leaked into my paper lunch bag, and all the contents came spilling out as I was heading to my office. Made it to my office, and read a message that one of my patients is in ICU after a nasty fall. Try to reach mom to touch base in between squeezing in add-on patients, getting my own blood drawn for my TSH, admitting a patient, and finding a surprise broken bone at a “well child check”. Yikes!

And yes, I was exhausted at the end of the day, despite my TSH ultimately coming back at 0.1. Ha, just a tad hyperthyroid right now. Good to know it probably was the Clomid that increased my thyroid hormone needs.

Annoying mom and Bobbie Thomas

There is a mom whose kids I see, who DRIVES ME CRAZY every time I see her. Without fail, whenever they come in, she asks “any good news??” in reference to my having kids. I always answer back curtly, NO. Back when I didn’t want to have kids, it was annoying. Now when I do and am struggling, it’s infuriating. Yes, I saw them today. #*&$(#*&!!

I just read “No more whispers, I’m doing IVF and proud of it” from Today show style editor Bobbie Thomas and am so in awe. I can’t imagine being in such a public position and going through this. Here I was complaining about people at work bugging me about looking pregnant, and she has hundreds of people posting this sort of stuff on Facebook?! I really can’t complain… Here’s to accepting my body as it is and moving forward. We meet the RE tomorrow!

Not a great CD13

I started to notice a little EWCM yesterday night, so I had high hopes for the ultrasound today, only to get shot down. 2 follicles on the right, the largest at 10mm. Not even close to being trigger-ready. The NP wants me back Wednesday morning for possible trigger, and IUI Thursday and Friday. I’m super confused as to what the increased dose of Clomid has done – I would have expected faster growth, not slower!

Then I rushed to my clinic for my annual review. I’m doing well, other than the increased sick leave I’ve been taking, and obviously – juggling my work schedule with infertility appointments. I held it together until the end when I teared up talking about getting treatments, and blamed the Clomid. I’m fortunate my chief is understanding. Today she revealed to me that she herself had gone through IVF a few times, not successfully. She recalled the emotional roller coaster of being on medications, and told me to let her know if I needed anything else. It was reassuring to hear from somebody else who has been through this and came out OK, even without having children.

7dpo labs

My progesterone came back at 15.8, so I definitely ovulated. Not really sure what the RE’s looking for since I ovulate and have had progesterone from 12-15 without Clomid. TSH came down to 0.83 with the increased thyroxine dose just after a month. Hoping it doesn’t overshoot, and will ask for another recheck with my next set of labs from the RE.

Work was hectic this afternoon. I don’t know what it is about this week, but I’ve had 3 patients present with eating disorders. 😦 Working urgent care tomorrow morning, really hoping it’s not crazy like it has been.

Crazy day

After getting my painlessly-administered HCG trigger from the injection nurse (I didn’t even feel the needle go in, and no soreness/bruising whatsoever!), I hopped into my car to race to my own clinic and arrived just in time. First patient was a walk-in, and unfortunately I ended up having to admit the child to the ICU for new-onset diabetes. I felt SO awful for the parents sitting there with tears running down their face, as I explain the diagnosis and how he will need daily insulin injections for the rest of his life. Then as I was finishing seeing my afternoon patients, I get notification that a patient I saw yesterday tested positive for pertussis. Why did I check? Because the kid’s not vaccinated – AT ALL. The parents were super nonchalant, while I’m fuming because guess what that means? I examined the kid and didn’t have the foresight to wear a mask, so had to start myself on a Z-pack to prophylax against whooping cough! Guess who’s wearing a mask for every patient that has cough for a while? Yup, I’ll pretty much wear one all the time I guess.

So after that crazy day of work, I decide to cheer myself up by taking my first positive pregnancy test ever!

Image

It’s funny, I don’t know why I thought the line would be darker than that, but it’s more than anything I’ve ever had before! I got 10,000 units of HCG, so there will definitely be no early testing on my part. I only have 9 HCG tests at home and don’t want to waste them at this point. Though I did read that OPK’s actually pick up HCG as well – something to keep in mind for the future for when I don’t feel like buying more pregnancy tests. I plan to wait it out until 13dpo and test if my temperature is still up. Just need to get through these back-to-back IUI’s the next 2 days first!

CD10 ultrasound

Despite starting the Clomid 2 days earlier than last cycle, as well as doubling the dose, it looks like I’ll still ovulate around the same time – guessing day 15. The midwife this morning was awesome, she was super gentle and managed to find my ovaries without too much prodding. I have an 11mm follicle on the left and a 9mm on the right. I’m going in Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully a trigger shot then. Unfortunately this does mean that I’ll likely have to cancel my clinic Wednesday morning for an IUI, and I already have 7 patients on my schedule. This is probably the toughest part of the treatments – the loss of control over something as simple as my work schedule. And while my nurse knows why I’m having to do this, it’s certainly not something I want to advertise to my patients’ parents.

Planning on turning in early tonight, so I can go to an 8am yoga class tomorrow, then head to my family friend’s memorial. I’m feeling pretty zen right now after my acupuncture session earlier, hoping the effects hang around for tomorrow. Don’t want anything to derail follicle development right now.

Perspective

I have always been a glass half-empty, gloom-and-doom kinda girl (note the title of this blog). It’s just how I’m made, and how the black cloud continues to follow me around at work. This particular journey has forced me to try changing my mindset, since reducing worry and stress go hand in hand. A patient I saw today reminded me that it really is all about perspective.

I’ve been seeing this child frequently in the last month, trying to sort out some very concerning symptoms. Most of the tests I’d ordered had come back normal, but there was one I still didn’t have back over a week later. It finally came back this morning, grossly abnormal. However, I was actually thrilled to see it, because it neatly tied together all her symptoms, and best of all, it’s easily treatable with dietary changes. I had been having nagging worries about more serious conditions (i.e. the big “C”), and was ready to send her onto a specialist if she wasn’t doing better by today. When I called the mom to excitedly give her the news this morning, she sounded very upset. I had to take a step back and realize that from her point of view, this wasn’t the “good” news I thought it was, it was life-changing and would forever impact the patient and her family’s lives. Hopefully as the patient’s symptoms improve and she starts to feel better, mom will understand my perspective, but for now, she is sitting in a deep abyss with one big answer while many more questions swirl around in her mind. I can certainly empathize with that.

The work day was pretty crazy, and the new RE didn’t call me. I’m hoping this isn’t a sign, and I know he is a very busy man, but I’m anxious to talk/meet with him to formulate a clear plan for Clomid next cycle.